Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
