The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
