Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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