eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
