can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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