yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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