Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
