I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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