I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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