Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
