im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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