i permit you to call me
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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