Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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