We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
