How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
