I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
