My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
