she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
