I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
