Plan B is the new Plan A
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
