is your mom at the bar?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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