My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
