I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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