I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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