I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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