My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
