I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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