i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
