I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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