I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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