i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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