I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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