how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize