He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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