I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
