My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
