i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
