No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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