dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
