I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
