Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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