he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
