at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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