Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
