Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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