Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
