I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
