if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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