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Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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