im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
