I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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