Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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