Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
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Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
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I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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