I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
